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Retirement Wisdom

Retire Smarter

Family and Relationships

Grandparenting – How Different Is It From Being a Parent?

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by Denis Wuestman

Today, September 10th is GRANDPARENTS DAY!

As a relatively new Grandparent, when I talk to others about this experience – they all say the same thing: its the best thing in the world.   Now I know what they mean – yep agreed!

I decided to look at some statistics about grandparents in the United States as I think about the kind of grandparent I want to be. So, thanks to Grandparents.com [i]here are some things that jumped out at me:

  • There are 70 million grandparents in the nation today and they lead 37% of all households in this country.
  • 72% think being a grandparent is the single most important and satisfying thing in their life
  • 90% enjoy talking about their grandkids to just about everyone
  • 63% say they can do a better job caring for grandchildren than they did with their own
  • 43% exercise or play sports
  • 75% are online
  • 60% live close to their grandchildren
  • 70% see the kids at least once a week
  • 66% travel with their grandkids
  • 81% have their grandkids for part or all of their summer vacation
  • 92% have changed their grandchild’s diaper

Ok – got it… and I am sure I fit into a lot of these groups – even the diaper part. They are engaged with their families, active, Internet-savvy, and love being grandparents.

Two Core Elements – Teaching & Playing

What I do think about is the difference between being a grandparent vs. a parent. While there are a lot of similarities between parenting and grandparenting, there are some areas where there can be nuances. Although I am fairly new to this role, here are two such areas where I have some early observations.

Teaching – as a parent I tried to teach my kids by being active and present in their lives, talking with them and modeling behavior. Volunteering at school, helping with school work, coaching sports, and sharing their first moments with them were all part of the parenting experience.   As a grandparent, I am starting to understand that it is important to teach by reading to them, telling them simple stories, repeating lessons like the alphabet, numbers and colors.   Finally, sharing key moments with them but being careful to let their parents have the firsts (a good example of this is their first trip to the playground – I prefer that their parents have that experience),

Playing – I recall a series of ways that I had fun with my kids as their parent. Proud to say that I participated in all these activities including: dancing, playing house, playing sports, bike rides, running, family board games and good old playing cards.   As a grandparent, I believe the level of activity may shift perhaps due to proximity, time available, and physical limitations. What is clear to me is that playtime is certainly on the agenda. I will not miss the opportunity to participate in a game they enjoy, play house, dance, walk, bike or make a mess with my grandchildren. I remember the joy and memories I had with my kids when we played – getting a chance to do it with the next generation is a special opportunity not to be missed.

Showing Love, Support and Fostering Growth

As a parent or grandparent, giving unconditional love is probably the most powerful gift of all for us and for them. If I had to describe the core of this great gift it would include: providing encouragement, hugging them and telling them that you love them, spending time with them, listening to them when they talk about their lives, showing them direction by setting examples and keeping them close as they grow. As parents we need to be strong and fair when course corrections are necessary and we need to ride the fine line between being involved in their lives versus running their lives. As a rookie grandparent, I am not sure how involved I will be in course correction as they grow. I guess that will become clearer over time. Right now my focus is a combination of being the best cheerleader and friend I can be to help establish a solid bond. I will do things like:

  • Smile a lot
  • Ask them to share stories (when they can talk)
  • Listen with focus
  • Encourage and support
  • Refrain from criticism

Showing love with words and simple actions will hopefully create the gift that keeps on giving.

Admire Your Hard Work

Finally, enjoy watching your kids become parents. You taught, played with them and loved them – now it’s their turn to do the same for their children. Of course, they will experience the ups and downs of parenthood but take the time to notice how your groundwork helped them become the parents they are today. The focus is always on the cute little child and the joy of that next generation – but don’t forget to continue to love and encourage your own children (without meddling of course. I didn’t say it is easy!). I do know that I will support my kids and follow the model they want to set for their kids.   As grandparents we can experience and be part of sharing two great gifts – seeing our children experience parenthood and seeing our grandchildren grow. Enjoy every moment and become a proud member of the group that believes being a grandparent is the single most important and satisfying thing in their lives!

 

[i] “Surprising Facts About Grandparents” (2013, Editors of Grandparents.com)

Glowing Lessons from Baseball and Dads

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by Denis Wuestman

Over 50 Years Ago

Flashback – July 1964.   I was just starting to really like baseball as a young kid growing up in Brooklyn, NY. It was July 7, 1964 – the day the All-Star Game was being played at Shea Stadium (home of the NY Mets back then).   I remember parts of that day vividly some 50+ years later. Here’s why… That morning my father woke my brother and I and asked if we wanted to go see the game in person. Well, you can imagine the excitement! Since we had no tickets we had to go the ballpark and buy them. Well, back then, this type of thing was possible. We arrived very early and stood on a rather long line. It was worth it. My Dad bought three general admission tickets for $ 2.10 (not a typo!) each and we sat in the next to last row in the upper left field stands. I recall the long walk up the stairs to the seats and how high we were. No matter. This built lasting memories and, at that time, had this little kid anxious to pretend he was Willie Mays next time he played stickball.   What an experience. I “glowed” then and even today when I think back to that day.

Some 25 Years Later

Flashback – June 1989. This now “30 something kid” still enjoyed a casual game of softball in between work, family and chores. It was this year that I met the “retired boys of summer”.   One Saturday morning after completing a softball practice, I watched about 20, 60 -75 year-old men take the field for their weekly softball practice. I stuck around to watch. The leader was a gregarious 69 year-old with a friendly smile. With a laugh, he asked us 30 somethings if we wanted to play a game so they could ‘teach us a few things about baseball’.   Well, most of us were on to the other parts of our lives, so we passed that day. This went on for many weeks and I recall watching these retired boys of summer enjoy the game that they most certainly played when they were young. They were good, focused and a little serious at times – old habits die hard!   But, what I noticed was the way they “glowed” playing the game, cheering each other on, doing a bit of friendly trash talking, and just simply enjoying the moment. It was their time to be kids again and experience the awe and fun of the game while spending time with friends. It made me appreciate the “glow” both them and I received from doing something enjoyable – in this case centered around our nations favorite pastime.

Hold that Glow!

Today, as I am in that “retired boys of summer” age group, I think of the lessons being taught that year – they are easier to relate to now.    Try not to lose your glow in life, especially in your post career years.   Do things that make you happy, fulfilling, be like a kid again – whatever it is. For these men- it was a game of softball.  Surround yourself with people you like, plan activities and GO do them. A great balance of meaningful activities that meet our social, physical, mental, creative and intellectual needs will help us have a much more satisfying retirement life. As a side benefit – you are building a legacy for those next 30 somethings to remember.     The 69 year-old man I met that day – passed away 10 years later. As I had stayed in touch with him, it was then that I met his grandchildren for the first time. Their memory of grandpa – playing ball and zest for life!   Helluva “glow” that man had!

Oh yes – back to 1964 – the great game that started these wonderful lessons for me has changed a lot since then. One thing remains – it gave me a “glow” along with many others it seems.   Where did you “glow” in your life?   What will you do in retirement to continue to shine and build a memory for others to learn from? How could lessons from your past help re-kindle your retirement passion?

Thanks Baseball and…..

In case you were wondering about that 1964 All-Star Game – it ended dramatically. Johnny Callison of the Philadelphia Phillies hit a walk off 3 run homer in the bottom of the ninth off of Dick Raditz of the Red Sox, scoring Curt Flood and Johnny Edwards to give the National League a 7-4 win.   Couldn’t get any better than that. I was told that I “glowed” for weeks. Thanks for the life-long memory Dad! And thanks to the “retirement boys of many summers” for the retirement life lessons – came in handy!

Happy Fathers Day to all Dads and Grandfathers!

Three Things You Can Do to Help Your Relationship in Retirement

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by Joe Casey

In their article “The Gray Divorce Revolution”, the researchers note that the rate of divorce among older Americans 65 and over, has more than doubled in recent years – in contrast to the divorce rates in younger groups which decreased or remained flat. Multiple factors are contributing to this trend. Life spans have increased and perhaps more time provides more opportunities for conflicts – or more time for partners to feel like they have grown apart. Cultural norms have evolved and divorce is much less stigmatized and more readily accepted today. As shared tasks change over the life course, couples may feel that they have less in common and less reason to stay together after children leave the home.

Clearly there is an economic impact of divorce. Divorce has also been associated with adverse social and health outcomes in older adults. In his research on marriages, John Gottman cited a lengthy list of adverse consequences on both parties, including affecting physical and mental health, a higher rate of accidents, and fatal diseases. Ouch.

On the Back Nine – and I Don’t Have Time to Whine

What’s going on? Besides the trends noted earlier, what other factors lead to divorce among older adults? Stanford professor Lauren Carstensen’s Socio-emotional Selectivity Theory postulates that as time horizons are perceived to be shorter, people are less willing to focus on the negative and want to focus more on positive, meaningful endeavors.

Does it make some spouses more likely to look past the inevitable irritants of daily married life, which may be amplified as they may now be spending more time together? Or does it make others more likely to seek greener pastures with their remaining time? (Dear John, Life’s too short…to spend any more of it with you!).

Life changes a lot in retirement. There is some evidence that unlike the other relationships that older adults have with friends, there is “an increase in spousal negativity over time.” Personality factors that were assets in earlier phases of marriage, may not be as important as couples enter a different phase of life. And a greater similarity in personality was found to be associated with “more negative slopes in marital satisfaction trajectories.” (Um, Honey, how’s the slope of our marital satisfaction trajectory? Ok, I’ll ask Alexa).

Any of The Four Horsemen Can Mess Up Your Ratio

The relative levels of positive and negative behaviors are the heart of the matter. One study found that how couples resolve conflict matters, finding that “in older marriages, the resolution of important conflicts was less negatively emotional and more affectionate than in middle-aged marriages.” Gottman’s research found that the ratio of positive to negative behaviors is critical, ranging from 5:1 for stable marriages and 0:8 for unstable ones. Specifically, Gottman found that couples who were on a path to divorce exhibited a high rate of problematic behaviors such as “criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling”, which he aptly dubbed “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

Gottman advises us to be mindful of the importance of giving full attention and responsiveness. This can be a challenge with the degree of distractions we all face with technology today. According to Gottman’s research, a key in the positive to negative ratio is how often one partner “turns toward” their partner in daily interactions versus “turning away.”

Focus On Your Behaviors

So, put aside what you see your partner doing – concentrate on what you do:

  1. Give full attention to your partner. Turn toward him or her when they offer to interact.
  2. Avoid The Four Horsemen – dial it way back on criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.
  3. Mind your Positive to Negative Ratio (perfection is not the goal – it’s 5:1, not 5:0).

On a personal note, we’ve celebrated our 36th anniversary and this topic is of great interest to me, as I’d like to keep raising my game. Researching the topic further has provided food for thought on how I can improve my “turning toward” rate. The NBA playoffs can wait.

 

Joe Casey is a former senior HR executive pursuing his Second Act career as a retirement coach. He writes for The RW Blog, a retirement blog at retirementwisdom.com

 

References

Birditt, K.S., Jackey, L.M.H. & Antonucci, T.C. (2009). Longitudinal patterns of negative relationship quality across adulthood. Journal of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences, 64B (1),55-64.

Brown, S.L., & Lin, I.-F., (2012). The gray divorce revolution: rising divorce among middle-aged and older adults, 1990–2010. Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences, 67(6), 731–741.

Carstensen, L.L. & Mikels, J.A. (2005). At the intersection of emotion and cognition: aging and the positivity effect. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 14 (3),117-121.

Ellin, A. (2015, October 30). After full lives together, more older couples are divorcing. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://nytimes.com

Gottman, J.M. (1998). Psychology and the study of marital processes. Annual Review of Psychology, 49,169-197.

Shiota, M.N. & Levenson, R.W. (2007). Birds of a feather don’t always fly farthest: similarity in Big Five personality predicts more negative marital satisfaction trajectories in long-term marriages. Psychology and Aging, 22(4), 666-675.

 

Preparing for Retirement? Strengthen Your Social Network

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by Joe Casey

As you get closer to retirement, are you thinking more about your health? I know I am. Perhaps you’re focusing more on wellness and fitness lately. Have you seen the flurry of recent articles alerting us that sitting is the new smoking? Indeed, there are real dangers to our health if we aren’t moving enough throughout the day.

But this isn’t about smoking or fitness. I’m fairly confident you know about the health implications of both. I want to share with you another risk to our health that researchers have identified, and which doesn’t receive as much press. While sitting too much is dangerous, so is being a hermit (and being a sedentary hermit is even worse).

Isolation is Bad for Your Physical Health

The first studies linking social connectedness and health were conducted in the late 1970s and established an association between a lack of social relationships and higher rates of mortality. Here’s more evidence that isolation is bad for your physical well-being:

  • A number of studies found that a lack of social connectedness is a big risk factor to health and longevity, comparable to other risk factors such as smoking and a sedentary lifestyle.¹
  • In fact, social isolation has been found to pose a greater health risk than hypertension and obesity.²
  • A meta-analysis of 70 studies covering over 3 million participants, found that social isolation, loneliness and living alone were associated with an ‘increased likelihood of death’ by 26%, 29% and 32% respectively.³

I thought about my daughter as I gathered the research on social connectedness – and how important it is to her that she integrates socially into her new environment at college.

What happens to that natural need for social connectedness as we age? Does it decrease or is it just more challenging to fulfill? Retirement often cuts people off from a significant social network- and that it can be challenging to replace.

Being Socially Proactive is Important

But there is good news. While isolation is bad for us, the flip side is also true. Higher levels of social connectedness are associated with better health, lower mortality rates and an enhanced quality of life.

There are factors, often beyond a person’s control, like illness or disability that can make social connectedness challenging. However, this is something many of us can do something about. As with other lifestyle modifications, a proactive approach is very important.

For example, participation in religious groups and volunteering have been tied to overall health benefits.4 The level of engagement a person has in their leisure activities to be a predictor of social connectedness.5 Engaging more in activities and hobbies you truly enjoy, including learning new things, may be helpful, especially if those activities which involve social interaction.

Social vs. ‘Social’

It’s worth noting that this is not about the number of Facebook friends, Twitter followers or LinkedIn connections you have. It’s not sufficient to simply increase the number of a social relationships, as that offers little health benefit. Having meaningful social relationships and interactions is what is most important6.

Building and maintaining social relationships takes time, especially meaningful ones. Relationships with friends and family can sometimes take a backseat to work and other demands. This research is a reminder that these meaningful relationships should not be taken for granted.

Implications for Retirement: Diversify Your Social Portfolio

Leaving the workplace means that many of your relationships will change. Successfully transitioning to life in retirement takes planning. For good reason, there is an emphasis on advance planning for the financial part of the equation. Likewise, just as it is smart to construct a diversified portfolio of investments for retirement, it’s also beneficial to build a diverse set of meaningful relationships apart from the workplace.

My takeaway from all this: it’s important to begin to cultivate some new relationships in advance of retirement, rather than starting that process after retirement. One way to begin is by taking a thoughtful approach to what activities to get involved with. This can set the stage for new relationships to evolve.

Joe Casey is a retirement coach who writes for The RW Blog, a retirement lifestyle blog at retirementwisdom.com.

References

  1. House, J. S., Landis, K. R., & Umberson, D. (1988). Social relationships and health. Science, 241, 540-545.
  2. Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T.B. (2016). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for CVD: implications for evidence-based patient care and scientific inquiry.Heart, 102, 987-989.
  3. Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T.B., & Layton, J.B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. Public Library of Science Medicine, 7: e1000316
  4. Preidt, Robert. Volunteering May Make People Happier, Study Finds. Retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20130823/volunteering-may-make-people-happier-study-finds
  5. Toepoel, V. (2013). Ageing, leisure, and social connectedness: how could leisure help reduce social isolation of older people?Social Indicators Research, 113(1), 355-372.
  6. Lubben, J. (2016).Isolation kills! Social isolation a real danger for the elderly. https://squaredawayblog.bc.edu/squared-away/social-isolation-a-real-danger-for-elderly/